Real

Diana Lee Simonis was born August 27, 2014.  She was approximately 3 months early.  We spent approximately 4 weeks in the NICU.  That moment in our lives is something that I will visit and talk about at a later date.  Right now the emotions and commotion from NICU life is too close to the surface to accurately and coherently depict. 

Now, we are home.  I have been a mother for about 6 weeks now.  I don't know if I will ever get used to being called "mother" "mom" "mama." It seems foreign, or too big, right now.  I'm assuming it's something I will grow into.

Because D was born so early, she is quarantined at our home.  We can't go to any public areas or around large groups for fear of catching some sort of virus.  So because she is quarantined, I am quarantined, and I'm restless.

John goes off to work at 6:45am, and Diana and I are stuck at home to binge watch Gilmore Girls.  My heart for Diana bursts every time I look at her and she peers at me through her doe eyes and she pets my neck with her little hand that splays out like a tiny starfish.  I love her, but I'm also restless.

It's hard to be cooped up for weeks on end with a roommate who can't talk, who demands constant attention, and has minimal facial movements beside the occasional gas smile and grimace.  It's hard.  Right now I'm missing my other kids who talk back to me and more often than not smell like feet.  I miss my 7th graders.  I miss my work.   

I can't take this time for granted though, because even though I feel too small for the word "mother" right now, I know it's important work.  It's important to be here when she cries and to cradle her when she sleeps.  I'm not just binge watching Gilmore Girls, I'm loving and getting to know my girl.  This time will pass, and it will pass too quickly.  I will look back and miss her tiny starfish hands and her fuzzy head.  And I will remember our little time in quarantine where we cried and cradled and loved.                     

Time goes by...

Today marks the last weekend of summer...for teachers at least.  Next week we will be back into planning, organizing, and meetings. 

It is 10am, and I'm still in my PJs.  I figure the chapter of my life where I can sleep in, sit around in my PJs, and watch mindless TV is going to be completely over in approximately 2 months, so I better enjoy it while I can.  I'm probably too old to be doing this any way.  I should be cleaning, balancing a check book, and preparing our family dinner like a normal adult.  Maybe later...

So, as I'm sitting around watching mindless TV, I came across Laguna Beach.  Classic.  It's been 10 years since that show came out and I LOVED it.  It got me thinking about how much has happened in 10 years.  So much has changed.

I didn't go to my high school reunion.  I'm pretty sure it was held in a barn...I'm not sure...but I'm not kidding.  It's small town, what I can I say?  Anyway,  I can't imagine stepping back into that place and time and seeing those people.  I've changed and I don't want to be reminded of who I was 10 years ago.  Not that my past was bad, it's just so removed from where I am now.  It got me thinking about all of the people who have come in and out of my life.  I don't regret any of those people from my past, but I'm so happy with who is in my life now...and who is going to be in my life in the VERY near future. 

Yesterday, I spent time with some really good friends here in Houston.  I love that God blessed me with these people, my tribe.  I love that we can laugh and raise babies together and work together and worship together.  It's just perfect.

I'm really not sure how long I will have these friends in my life.  If somewhere down the road John and I will move back to Wisconsin or Michigan and then be removed once again from this moment and these people.  But for right now, it's just perfect.              

Here we go again

If you haven't noticed, I have a love/hate relationship with blogging. 

Reasons I love it:
1.  It helps me with my writing.

2.  It allows me to collect my thoughts

3.  It's a mini time capsule to show exactly what I was doing on what day.

Reasons I hate it:
1.  Every little insecurity comes out and I start to think, "oh crap, some student/ old high school classmate/ old student/ parent/ old boss will read this and think I'm a nerd/ weirdo/ loser."  OR  "oh crap, what if I have bad grammar and they realize I'm a fraud?"

I'm going to try to get over my insecurities and write a little here and there.  It will not be constant by any means, but at least it's something.  Especially now that I'm about to have a baby, I want to document SOMETHING!

That's all for now.  I will write more later.