Thursday, December 31, 2015
New Year
The New Year is here. This is the last day of 2015. There are so many things to be grateful for and excited for. Here's to a New Year and a new chapter and living with more purpose than ever!
Thursday, September 24, 2015
Life without the filter
It is currently 3:45am. D has been up since 2 with a fever. I have been fighting with her to go to bed for a little over an hour and a half. I have now given in because I'm on the verge of crying and there ain't no way this baby is sleeping, so she is playing while I write cathartically.
*Here is where I paused to change her poop diaper*
This moment in my life is nothing special. This is just life. The sentences I am writing right now to let out my emotions on motherhood are nothing more than a repeat of other words and utterances said by billions of other mothers over a course of billions of years. I am sure there are probably cave drawings out there somewhere that read: "Someone help me, I don't know if I can mother."
*Here is where I paused to get her a sippy cup*
*Here is where I paused to help her on her elephant"
Neanderthals probably didn't waste precious cave wall space complaining. And when it comes down to it, we can't complain either. We signed up for this. So, now, we have something better than cave walls in with which to communicate; we have Facebook walls.
*Here is where I pause to play with her*
*Hour pause to cuddle, try to put her back down. She's still not going down. I'm starving, so I get a granola bar. We try playing in guest bed. Husband comes in. Husband and I get in small fight because we are both exhausted and want to kill each other. Husband goes to bed, I feed her. She is currently eating puff snacks and yogurt chips.*
We can't complain on Facebook walls either. We need to make our lives look perfect, because no one wants to see negative crap or to be reminded that, in fact, life comes without a filter. This is what I put on Facebook:
This is reality:
The fact of the matter is, I'm missing another day of work today. Which means, no money for our family, and I am yet again letting my boss down, and none of it is in my control.
It feels like from the very beginning, nothing in this little girl's life has been in my control, from NICU to ear tubes, to sick days...it feels like I haven't been able to put a filter on anything. There is no covering up the fact that having this girl is hard and I wish it could have started out easier. I wish it only got easier when we came home from the NICU. I wish our lives looked better, and we were smiling all the time, and we were a gorgeous Photoshopped family, but this is the real, raw deal, life.
The fact of the matter is, there are other moms out there who have it a whole hell of a lot harder, and they aren't complaining. So here's my pity party for the morning. And life will go on.
It is now 5:30. John will be awake soon to go to work and D will probably, finally, go to bed. And life will go on.
*Here is where I paused to change her poop diaper*
This moment in my life is nothing special. This is just life. The sentences I am writing right now to let out my emotions on motherhood are nothing more than a repeat of other words and utterances said by billions of other mothers over a course of billions of years. I am sure there are probably cave drawings out there somewhere that read: "Someone help me, I don't know if I can mother."
*Here is where I paused to get her a sippy cup*
*Here is where I paused to help her on her elephant"
Neanderthals probably didn't waste precious cave wall space complaining. And when it comes down to it, we can't complain either. We signed up for this. So, now, we have something better than cave walls in with which to communicate; we have Facebook walls.
*Here is where I pause to play with her*
*Hour pause to cuddle, try to put her back down. She's still not going down. I'm starving, so I get a granola bar. We try playing in guest bed. Husband comes in. Husband and I get in small fight because we are both exhausted and want to kill each other. Husband goes to bed, I feed her. She is currently eating puff snacks and yogurt chips.*
We can't complain on Facebook walls either. We need to make our lives look perfect, because no one wants to see negative crap or to be reminded that, in fact, life comes without a filter. This is what I put on Facebook:
 | ||
| Oh happy day...even with a cold. |
This is reality:
The fact of the matter is, I'm missing another day of work today. Which means, no money for our family, and I am yet again letting my boss down, and none of it is in my control.
It feels like from the very beginning, nothing in this little girl's life has been in my control, from NICU to ear tubes, to sick days...it feels like I haven't been able to put a filter on anything. There is no covering up the fact that having this girl is hard and I wish it could have started out easier. I wish it only got easier when we came home from the NICU. I wish our lives looked better, and we were smiling all the time, and we were a gorgeous Photoshopped family, but this is the real, raw deal, life.
The fact of the matter is, there are other moms out there who have it a whole hell of a lot harder, and they aren't complaining. So here's my pity party for the morning. And life will go on.
It is now 5:30. John will be awake soon to go to work and D will probably, finally, go to bed. And life will go on.
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