Anyway

I have tried not to let life get to me.  The more I think, and the more I get in my head, the more I wonder if it isn't just easier to stay inside, lock my doors, turn off all social media, and just live as a hermit for the rest of my life. 

At first I thought...

I am relieved that I left teaching.  Going down the rabbit hole of Reddit and Instagram and Twitter, there are random pictures out there of Photoshopped teachers' heads on sexy bodies, videos of teachers trying to have fun in the classroom and getting made fun of with the caption, "are they on drugs?" For some people, that's HILARIOUS and I probably should lighten up.  Unfortunately, that's not how I'm wired.  I look at that and I see an unknown teacher standing in front of a firing squad every day and doing their best to try to help others, and getting mocked for it.

 And then I thought....

People just don't care.  People could care less that this random picture of this random teacher might hurt their feelings.  People don't really care about anything.  Apathy is cool now.  It's getting harder and harder to really connect and find true friendship.  Brene Brown has said, "Everyone really just wants to be heard."  I'm wondering if anyone really wants to listen to what I have to say?

And THEN I thought...

Today is 9/11.  One of the worst days, acted out by some horrible, evil people.  There are people like THAT in the world.  Why even bother?  Seriously.  There are people out there who choose to ruin thousands of lives because of crazy, messed up dogma.  I'm out.  Life is too much. 

 So my thoughts are now officially gone, and I am about to just curl up and take a nap, but instead I take a deep breath...

And I read things like THIS from Momastery and remind myself to just stay open.  I have to believe that life is good, humanity is mostly good.  Where there is trouble, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." -Mister Rodgers.  I can be good, I can stay open, and I can fight the bad.  I have to remind myself that if one day, many, many, many years from now I ever do consider going back into teaching, I have to just stay open and maybe I can teach those kids to do unto others as they would have done unto them.  John Mayer says it best...

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

Then again...

It's hard man.  It is really damn hard to stay open, when it would just be so much easier to live my sweet little life with my loving husband and daughter.  To go to work, type some stories, and just come on home.  No connecting, no talking, no social media, just my sweet, sweet little bubble.  No hurt, no disappointment.  If I choose that path though, I'd also miss out on some other sweet, wonderful moments with the outside world.   

It's a fight to keep out the darkness and negativity about life and humanity and keep that light burning and know the world and people ain't so bad.  It's just a matter of staying open and keeping the light on.