Real

Diana Lee Simonis was born August 27, 2014.  She was approximately 3 months early.  We spent approximately 4 weeks in the NICU.  That moment in our lives is something that I will visit and talk about at a later date.  Right now the emotions and commotion from NICU life is too close to the surface to accurately and coherently depict. 

Now, we are home.  I have been a mother for about 6 weeks now.  I don't know if I will ever get used to being called "mother" "mom" "mama." It seems foreign, or too big, right now.  I'm assuming it's something I will grow into.

Because D was born so early, she is quarantined at our home.  We can't go to any public areas or around large groups for fear of catching some sort of virus.  So because she is quarantined, I am quarantined, and I'm restless.

John goes off to work at 6:45am, and Diana and I are stuck at home to binge watch Gilmore Girls.  My heart for Diana bursts every time I look at her and she peers at me through her doe eyes and she pets my neck with her little hand that splays out like a tiny starfish.  I love her, but I'm also restless.

It's hard to be cooped up for weeks on end with a roommate who can't talk, who demands constant attention, and has minimal facial movements beside the occasional gas smile and grimace.  It's hard.  Right now I'm missing my other kids who talk back to me and more often than not smell like feet.  I miss my 7th graders.  I miss my work.   

I can't take this time for granted though, because even though I feel too small for the word "mother" right now, I know it's important work.  It's important to be here when she cries and to cradle her when she sleeps.  I'm not just binge watching Gilmore Girls, I'm loving and getting to know my girl.  This time will pass, and it will pass too quickly.  I will look back and miss her tiny starfish hands and her fuzzy head.  And I will remember our little time in quarantine where we cried and cradled and loved.