Let your light shine

Recently, I've been thinking a lot about worthiness.  For a LONG time, I have never felt truly worthy of anything.  So, I have spent much of my life trying to prove myself, and please others.  To add to my wanting to please others, for better or worse, we also have a performance based pay system at my school.

Let me just say this right now, I love my school, but performance based is pretty much my worst nightmare.  It shouldn't be.  I'm confident that I'm a good teacher and I love my students.  I do what I'm supposed to do, and then some.   I just have this ever lingering fear of "not good enough."  Last year I went into prove myself overdrive in every aspect of my life, and basically went nuts.  

It wasn't until recently that I finally stopped proving, and started just BEING.  When I was confirmed in the church, my confirmation verse was Matthew 5:16,  "In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven." I always thought it was a good verse, but never knew how it applied to my life.

Then, I began teaching in the middle school, and right outside my door is my confirmation verse, painted into the recessed ceiling.   I took it as a sign.  I belong right here, teaching these kids, but again, never really knew what it meant in my life.  Now I know.  I am enough.

Mistakes and all, I am still enough.  I have nothing more to prove, and I should only be trying to please God in everything I do.  He's given me all I need in order to shine brightly.  Of course, this is easier said than done.  So, I'm working on it.  Just shining brightly with what I have and knowing it's enough.

Every day is a battle of quieting the doubt.  I have little reminders around me, such as "work hard, stay humble" as my computer background.  When I wake up in the morning, I immediate say, "do your best, and know it's enough."  I listen to positive music, I hang around positive people.  Still, the voice is in the background, "do more, you're lazy, stop being selfish, you're never enough."  It's getting quieter, but I'm hoping one day I will barely hear it anymore.  Maybe then I will know I am doing my best and giving my all to the One who really matters.